long walks in the dark
through woods grown behind the park
I asked God who I'm supposed to be
the stars smiled down on me
God answered in silent Reverie
I said a prayer and fell asleep
I had a dream
that I could fly from the highest tree
I had a dream

Today I am full of ickyness. If the emotions in my heart and the thoughts in my head were audible you would just hear "ew." I have always been on the receiving end of heart ache. I've always been the one to care more, to do too much, to say too much, to wear my heart on my sleeve despite my efforts not too. I've always trusted too easily, and forgiven too easily. I've always wanted more. In reading this you might assume I am talking about romantic relationships. But unfortunately this pattern has trickled in to all of my relationships. Not to say that I am perfect, and this pattern is largely in part to my insecurities and lack of self-worth. But on this rare occasion, and despite my best of intentions, I have managed to hurt someone else. Someone so undeserving of this kind of pain and sorrow. Why can't I take all of that pain and inflict it on those who have been deserving in my life because heaven knows they exist. Or rather, take that pain on my own shoulders and saunter on. Life can be so cruel. Timing never seems to be in my favor. I say all of this in the heat of the moment with a deep hidden understanding that Heavenly Father has my perfect Destiny in mind even though sometimes his timing doesn't make sense to me. And I do not get to have all of the answers. Through the storm I know that I have so much to be grateful for.

1 comment:

Amelia Kate said...

You are amazing. I am proud of you for trying to be true to yourself.