2/8/11


Life after a broken off engagement can be difficult. Everywhere I go it seems like people ask me how I am doing. They want details, or the story. They even ask for an explanation. The most difficult part is that they are completely justified. I involved everyone I knew in the most personal and sacred event of my life. During this process so many people loved and served us selflessly. Sometimes I just want my own identity back. I wonder, will I always be associated with this event? Will my name always be a reminder of what was? Will I ever be known for something greater than my mistakes? Can I reinvent myself? Is there hope that someday my character can speak louder than my misfortunes? Sometimes I just want to run away to a place where no one knows my name. Where I am just a girl, blending into the crowd. A girl with no scars, with nothing to be embarrassed of, nothing to explain.

I hope that it doesn't seem as if I am not grateful for those who have shown love and genuine concern. From the bottom of my heart I appreciate all of those who have carried me through this month. But I do long for the day when I can simply be Nadia. Not the Nadia that almost married Kevin. Not the Nadia that wrote off her missionary. Not the Nadia who made this mistake, or that mistake, or said this, or did this. I just want to be me.

13 comments:

mindy said...

you put that so well. i feel the same... time will heal this... i know it...& those who judge for our misfortunes--- arent worth our worries.

at some point it cant matter any more, but it will always be a part of us. the part that made us stronger.

thank you for sharing

Binz said...

Nads I have been in your exact spot...believe me. I felt like I made a lot of public decisions involving many people and they all crumbled right before my eyes. You feel like your under a magnifier and everyone is watching to see what you will do next.

But let these experiences bring out the REAL nadia. Let them uncover your strength and who you were really meant to be. Right now it is You and God, what better place than that is there to be.

I promise you it will fade and you will rediscover that the Lord knew you had to go through those things. I love you girl:)

Amelia Kate said...

Oh Nadia, I love you and think you are amazing. I hope you know that.

steph mills said...

it really does suck because people talk. But unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. I've learned to cope with this from my previous decisions in life. I'm sorry Nadia, life gets tough sometimes and I totally understand the whole "don't get me wrong, im thankful of your thoughts" deal but it is hard to not get caught up in what other peoples thoughts may be. Keep your head high, try your best to stay positive and you will get past this part in your life. Things will get better and things happen for a reason and that's all you can allow yourself to think about otherwise your mind wonders and past events haunt you. But you'll be fine, you are a great girl!!

AUBREEZE said...

oh nads.

dont be a goose. when i think of you i think about wanting to show you my sparkly gold manicure and ask you for house painting advice and tell you the things that hurt my heart so you will make me feel better like you do. I sometimes DO forget all the craziness and the things that have hurt your heart because I'm distracted by how much fun I plan on having around you. because they are just a temporary small part of the pint size POWER PUNCH that you are. high kick in stilettos!! you are just you but with really great hair and a super cute house now.
Im not trying to downplay all the hard things you have been going through I just am hoping I get across how much that is not what I think of when I think of you. Its a million more ridiculous things that are too funny and make me want to copy you a little.

Johanna said...

It will get easier. These rough patches makes us who we are. Things don't always go as expected, but sometimes bumps in the road make for a better adventure. Keep on, girl.

Shannon said...

Nadia, I am so sorry to hear about your trial you're going through. I know that has to be hard. I obviously don't know any details, but I do know the thoughts and feelings you've written about today because I (along with so many others) have felt them as well. I have had some very public embarrassments and misfortunes, many caused by my own doing. It's painful. And mortifying. And makes you feel like you can't breathe. But then one day, you can. I promise you.

It does take time to heal all wounds, but all wounds can be healed. The misfortunes I had that defined me were things that to this day I don't talk about with anyone but my husband. They are just too painful. But I can tell you that no one else even hints at them. No one else sees me that way. And the people who never got over it are no longer in my life.

The point I'm trying to make (and not well) is that yes, it's hard now. No one's going to say it's not. But it WILL end. And you WILL be better for it. The only advice I have for you is to take all focus off your relationships with others and what people may or may not be thinking, and put it ALL on your relationship with Heavenly Father because you KNOW what he's thinking. He doesn't define you by any of those things. To Him you are Nadia. Perfect, loved, divine Nadia. And that's all that matters. Focus on that and one day you'll realize the pain is gone and you didn't even realize it. And you will be stronger than ever.

Megs said...

It will be forgotten, and this says it all: http://katelehnhof.tumblr.com/post/2687333985

Love ya doll!

angela hardison said...

i love that print, and it's so true. never forget that.

just think of the eternal scheme of things - none of those little things will end up mattering much, and they are definitely not what you'll be known for! i'm a firm believer that you can reinvent yourself at any given moment.

if it makes any difference... as an outsider, the nadia i "know" is amazing and sweet and lovely. and i'm willing to bet that all the insiders would agree.

Anonymous said...

I hope I'm not repeating some of the comments others have left, and that perhaps, what I want to say will ring truer because it comes from someone who doesn't know you at all and maybe that will make it appear more honest? More sincere? Sometimes what one may recognize as a mistake or fault is not actually that at all. In fact, rather than feel guilt for your actions, you should feel proud of them. Feel proud that when faced with a difficult decision, you chose the option that not only had the greatest consequences but also the one that was entirely yours.

Jenna Robert said...

Nadia! You are a rockstar and I love you.

Kassie-Rae said...

I am so sorry Nadia. But, writing off a missionary, calling off a wedding DO NOT and WILL NOT define you. You are an amazing, kind, sweet, loving, lady. We have known each other for decades now, and I am still honored to call you my friend. You are a beautiful person inside and out. I am actually very proud of you for writing this. If you ever would like to chat, meet for dinner, fro-yo... etc. Let me know. Keep smiling and shinning babe. :)

Anonymous said...

when my first engagement broke off a few years ago, i lost a whole group of people i loved in the break-up. it was incredibly hard. i had felt things weren't right and i acted on it. he was a good man, but we weren't a good fit for each other. i met another man, got married, and ended up getting divorced a year later because he wasn't faithful. i had red flags before marrying him, but i put them aside, thinking i was getting cold feet because of my first 'called-off engagement'.

i mention all this, because between those two relationships, my aunt had told me something that was really important, which i didn't fully grasp until later on: there is no such thing as a failed engagement. if you get married, great - it worked out. if you break up before saying 'i do' than at least you realized it was not the right decision. it's better that an engagement be broken up when you realize things won't work out for the best for both people involved, than to have a marriage fall apart after more time, effort (love), and people have been invested. it's not to say that it doesn't still hurt when things fall apart before a wedding, but at least you are where you need to be, and the lord will help you find the right person you need to be with.