The love we felt for her was something we never imagined was possible. I remember when I delivered her, they took her away to check her out and clean her up. This took longer than usual because the NICU team had to take special precautions due to her Kidney reflux. My family crowded around the tiny table where they were working on her. My mom swears that Penelope was reaching and searching for me. Maybe it sounds crazy but I like to think we formed that special bond, even before she was born. She knew my voice. I know her every movement. I heard her heart beat inside of me. She is the most amazing person I've ever known. In her on way, she saved me. She doesn't know it of course. But the love I felt for her, transformed me. It shaped my actions, my priorities, my life. She is the cause of so many miracles in our family. Softened hearts. Mended relationships. She is the teensy tiny glue in our life. Her ginormous blue eyes. And her smile. It's powerful. Her smile melts my core.
Motherhood is challenging, it's no secret. I worry. I worry, am I enough. The answer of course, is no. How could I be enough? But I sure do try. That's all Heavenly Father expects of me I think. Just try. And try even harder than that. Motherhood has been so surprising to me. How passionate I was about nursing. And how much it broke my heart when we stopped. How inadequate I felt. How peaceful and wonderful it is to watch her sleep. How I can be so terribly exhausted and frustrated, but love her the same. How completely different our life would become. I was surprised by post-partum depression and anxiety. I wish someone had warned me, which is why I wanted to write about it. It's normal. It's common. It's not always easy. I really had to reach out and ask for help because as stubborn as I am, I couldn't get through it alone. More on that later.
In June Ernest and I got engaged! He mimicked a scene from Gossip Girl. Which sounds corny, but it was pretty perfect actually. When we dated I jokingly told him "any guy who proposes in a nice suit on a rooftop with peonies, is going to hear YES. And there he was.... on a rooftop at sunset with a big bouquet of peonies and my dream ring in rose gold. Reminiscent of Chuck Bass. I said YES!
1 week later we were married under a big tree in Sedona. It was the most magical day of my life. Not in the way I envisioned. It wasn't grand, or fancy. None of our family was there. But the love we felt for each other was magnificent. I'll never forget the feelings in my heart under that big tree. Our eyes welt with tears and we made promises to each other. It was absolutely perfect.
We've been married for 6 months now! Time really flies. I married the perfect person, especially for me. Patient, kind, loving, did I mention endless patience? He always knows what to say, and what I need. He knows I struggle with depression. And some pretty intense insecurities. But I know he is committed to me. And he truly loves unconditionally. That is such a blessing.