suck it 2009

For those of you who intend to read this post, please read it in it's entirety. It's gonna start out weird, and have a great resolution. So just stick it out. Or don't read it at all!

So 2009 has been a very dynamic year. But I have the philosophy that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And considering the fact that I consider this blog my journal I want to document the timeline of my year. Some day I'll look back on it and want to know what happened. I am terrible with dates and I refuse to forget things anymore.

So the year started out with some leftover issues from 2008. My best friend, boyfriend, turned fiance broke off our wedding in a way that turned very public in the Gilbert bubble. The two that took forever to finally get engaged after many false alarms and premature excitement on my part were finally going to tie the knot. And after the months of wedding obsession and blabbing about flowers and rings and plans my fiance decided to serve a mission. Which seemed horrible and terrifying and humiliating but is what he was inspired to do so he was obedient.

Also in December of 2008 the med spa I put my heart and soul into for an entire year went under. The place I drove 2 hours a day to work at. The place I worked 50 hours a week and tried to learn Spanish for my clients. The place where I had to pay my tip money to bums at walgreens. The place where I fell in love with the thrift stores of Downtown Phoenix. The place I thought I'd work for 10 years...

So in January of 2009 I found a job close to home that seemed to be a miracle. An answered prayer. And it was. I got free treatments, whatever I wanted. I fell in love with Botox and fillers and worked along side a brilliant Natropath who I aspired to be like in every way. I had finally made it. I got to learn about the best lasers on earth. I even got to use them! Every day I worked with a $150,000 machine and I was absolutely in love with it. I bragged about it. I believed in it. It worked. I was the first to arrive, last to leave. I'd send my clients thank you notes in the mail. I remembered their childrens names. I even prayed for them when they confided in me about hard times. I've never worked so hard. Then one day out of the blue, at closing time I was informed it was my last day. I couldn't say goodbye to any clients, I wasn't ever to set foot in there again. They said they couldn't afford to keep me there because times were hard and they were replacing me with someone just out of school who they could pay $8 an hour. They said it was "always about money" for me and that they didn't think I would take a pay cut. "Always about money?!" I am so head over heels in love with aesthetics and my clients and my work there. Don't we all work for money? Did they open a spa for the joy of it or did they want to pay their morgage and audi suv payments? I had never been so hurt and insulted. But I moved along.

During that time my father took a hit at work and we lost our home and his car. Because his credit was shot he asked me to rent a home in my name and I gladly complied. Only to lose my job and lose the ability to help and support my family.

So we moved and started renting. Things picked up for him at work and we are getting by. Shortly after my sister and her husband and two kids fell on hard times as their home was being rennovated and they were forced to move in with us. So the 7 of us were living in the house that was rented in my name. It was crowded and difficult! But we made the best of it as we cooked together and played cards often.

In June Braeden left for the MTC. I thought half of me was missing. A void I had to learn to fill. A void only filled with sheer horror and insecurity. I had spent nearly 5 years relying on him in every way. I was a child without training wheels for the first time. Scared to death.

All along the way there have been little trials as well. A week of the Swine Flu. A car accident. Pink eye. Friends who moved on. My childhood dog passed away.

Then I got the horrifying phone call that my mother was again, going to Jail. I didn't understand why but I tried to remain calm and Christlike. I drove to the ghetto of Phoenix by myself and visited her every Monday on my only day off of work. Have you ever gone to Jail? It's not exactly comfortable. I had to speak to her in an orange jumpsuit and I couldn't touch her and her hands were chained to a table as we talked and laughed and cried.

My little sister also decided to embrace her same-sex orientation in a way that has torn my family apart. I've tried to be a faithful member of the Mormon faith with a mother in Jail and a gay sister. I feel like it's nearly impossible. It started to seem like everything that I tried to do in the church turned sour. But I couldn't deny my testimony. I couldn't live this year thinking Heavenly Father abandoned me. He wouldn't. He couldn't. He must have known that this year would make me stronger. More patient. More kind. That I would serve more. That when I had $10 to my name that someone probably needed it more than me. He knew that because I payed my tithing I would be okay. That when I bounced back from the Swine Flu I would appreciate my health and my friends.

The point of this post was this. This is the fun part. Some may read this and think that they knew all of these things already. Some of you had no idea, or thought you knew but you judged and you were wrong. So how does one endure a year like that? How does one fit in the cookie-cutter mormon bubble with such a screwed up family? How does one put on a smile every day? What makes her tick? How does she get through?

Of course I've entertained the idea of drinking away my sorrows, or just not eating because I didn't want to anymore. Or just giving it all up and partying and doing whatever I wanted. That would sure be easier than trugging along with people that had seemingly perfect lives and families right? Wrong. Wickedness never was happiness. I've learned that time and time again THE HARD WAY. Take it from me, the hard way isn't best. The only joy I feel in my life is in conjunction with the commandments and the Prophets council. Not to say I always have joy. Because I can be stupid and silly and self-absorbed. I can be depressed or have a temper. I fall and I get back up.

So MY 2009 SURVIVAL KIT!!!!!!

• The Gospel of Jesus Christ. The joy that comes with abiding by it's teaching. A loving Bishop and Relief Society Present.
• Wonderful friends. Friends that let me linger in their homes so I could feel the spirit and witness a normal family dynamic. Friends that literally would give me the shirt off their back. Flowers, sweet notes, friendly text messages, letters in the mail, all of you don't know how you've literally saved me.
• MUSIC! Maria Taylor, Band of Horses, Arcade Fire, The Killers, Azure Ray, Sufjan Stevens, Paramore, I could go on and on. You make me smile. You make me cry! I love you! You are my escape. You inspire me to run. Sometimes you are literally the only good thing I'd experience in an entire day.
• Books!! Twilight, every single book. I ran to you when I had nothing else and just wanted to live in a fairy tail where vampires fall in love. Real life was too hard. Twilight was always enjoyable.
• PB loco, Venezias pizza, double stuff oreos, DIET COKE, Diet coke, DIET COKE, Diet Dr. Pepper, Pei Wei, Byblos arabic food, Rumbi, Jack in the Box, Reeses Fast Break, Fresh and Easy, Sprouts, Pita Jungle, Pita Pit, etc etc. I would allow myself ridiculous treats after hard times.
• Movies. We live in the theater, and at the drive-ins, and at Redbox. I loved Where the Wild Things are, New York I Love You, Twilight, Sex and the City, Love Happens, etc.
• Tamran's BMW Sasha
• Trips to Pinetop, Globe, California, Vegas (x5), Flagstaff, Butcher Jones (X10), Sajuaro Lake (x20), I LOVE TO ESCAPE.
• Nails Painted with Tamran.
• Family Night
• SERVICE! Find what your good at and serve those around you. For me, I'm not very talented but I can clean. So if you would let me, I'd clean your room in an instant.
• allowing myself to sleep for 2 days if I needed it
• allowing myself to cry for an entire hour if the tears would come
• BLOGGING! I'm going to say this with no shame. I am a dreamer and I love beautiful things. I love weddings. I love fashion. I love the creactivity of people I've never met.
• Dreaming. Dreaming of being an instructor at Imaj Institute. Dreaming of having a mercedes hatchback. Dreaming of going to NY for the first time. Dreaming of being able to pay off my student loans someday. Dreaming of being a buyer for Nordstrom or owning an antique store. Dreaming of being able to sketch what's in my head. Dreaming of picking up photography. Dreaming of living in a cottage in phoenix that costs a million dollars.
• Smiling. Faking a smile until it felt real. Smiling at strangers. Pretending everything was wonderful, until even the horrific things seemed wonderful.
• Photo shoots! Random photo shoots.
• Thrift Shopping. Old couches and ties and vinyls and the smell of old books.
• Trees and Flowers. Studying them online. Enjoying the beauty of them.
• Hiking.
• Breakfast on Saturdays with Tamran and the boys.
• Sunsets.
• Old films
• Praying. Praying 100 times a week if necessary.
• Tender Mercies
• serving at the soup kitchen
• And a family that although struggles immensly, has a heart of Gold. And a love for each other that will never fail.

now, 2010. May you be uneventful. May the blessings of endurance come. May miracles occur. May I be in a position to help those less fortunate than me. If the rain comes, may I be strong enough to endure even more. May I for once be the strong one for someone weak. May these trials be for the better. May I be stronger and happier.

May this post not embarass me in an hour when I re-read it. May you not think I'm a freak