I had an "aha" moment recently. In the depth of our trials we ask God why. Why this heart ache? It is human nature to seek an explanation for the seemingly endless pain. The trials that we all secretly endure and our hearts plead.... why? Why the loss of a child? Why the pain of physical ailments? Or physical limitations? Why the burdened heart that comes with providing for a family, and coming up short? Why this pain? I am often touched as I am reminded of the familiar hmyn, "Where can I turn for peace?"

Where can I turn for peace
Where is my solace
When other sources seem to make me whole

When with a wounded heart
Anger or malice I draw myself apart
Searching my soul

Where when my aching grows
Where in my need to know

Tell me where can I run
Where do I run
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish

Tell me who can understand
He only one only one only one

I have often found myself asking these questions in the pit of despair. I know all to well the "wounded heart" and "growing ache." I know all too well the pitiful scene of rock bottom. As I plead on my knees in the dark of my room or my bathroom floor. As tears flood my eyes and run down my arms and hands. Pleading with God to take the pain from me. I think of our loving Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane. I think of him in an unfathomable place of pain and anguish. I think of him, pleading to the father, "why hast thou forsaken me?" I too have felt forsaken at times. It can be difficult to believe in a God we can't see, only feel with our hearts. I've pondered deeply about his existence. Is he real? In the abyss of billions of people, does he really know me? Do we believe because we simply need to believe? Because the pain of him not being real would be too much to bear, and we would then realize this life has no purpose at all? But then I am reminded of the magnificence of his creations. I am reminded of the unexplained miracles. I am reminded of his mercy. And I know he is real.

The "aha moment" came to me this week. I often wonder why I have had so many heart wrenching trials in my life. My family is plagued with depression, and disease, and cancer, and addiction. Divorce, rehab, and jail time are words that fit into the family history. I think of the fact that I have had to endure two failed engagements. Two lay-offs. One painful demotion. And now an unplanned pregnancy. Why? I can't help but wonder what God wants me to learn. How do I break these vicious cycles. How do I overcome the powerful hold Satan sometimes has over me?

Here I stand though. January 14, 2013. And it all became so clear. My eyes welled with tears as I finally realized that these trials have led me to a beautiful place. If it weren't for all of these trials I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I wouldn't appreciate the light, not having endured the seemingly endless tunnel of dark. I am blessed to appreciate the simple joys of life. A piece of sea salt dark chocolate. My not perfect, but unconditionally loving family. My father who would die for me. My mother who despite my flawed soul, calls me her sunshine. This perfect baby that is a sheer miracle. My boring job that just happens to pay all of the bills.

And yes.... I have been engaged TWICE! Two engagements crumbled leaving me utterly heart broken. But if you were to ask me now, I know with every conviction of my soul that my Heavenly Father was preserving the perfect man for me to marry. And he was worth every ounce of pain I felt. He was worth the dark path it took to get to him.

I often refer to my life as a sh** storm. Not my classiest choice of words, but often fitting. But from where I sit on this chilly day in January. I wouldn't trade my sh** storm of a life for anything.


mindy said...

Oh how i know what that feels like!! When mike &i were separated (& filed for divorce) i had to find peace & realize i could be a stronger person after going through it! i always thought, wait he said he wouldn't give me anything i couldn't handle!! But i overcame it! You were incredible!!i love these updates!

Kristin said...

Amen, sister. AMEN.

heather said...

Cousin!!! YOU need to write a book. Your words flow to seamlessly, I want to just keep reading and reading! Isn't it so wonderful when it all comes together and makes perfect sense? Our family is far from perfect But in a moments notice would be right there if needed! Love u tons!

Tori said...

YOU are the sh** girl.
Such a rockstar you are, little lady!

Chelsey Oliver: said...

I loved this Nadia! Thank you for the beautiful reminder.

I adore you!


Taylor and Amanda Lines said...

reading this post takes me down memory lane. having a baby on your own will be the hardest thing you will ever do. however, as i write this i am looking at my beautiful six year old boy and i know i would be nowhere near the woman i am today without him. i share a special bond with my first child because he saved me. because of him i got my head on straight and met my husband and we were all sealed together on my wedding day. miracles do happen and our father in heaven knows us individually and knows what we can and can't handle. because of my experience i am a better mother and i know i appreciate my covenants more because of the path and heartache it took me to get there. now six years later i am a mother to soon to be five children and am married to a man who loves my son and we are a forever family. heavenly father hears and will answer your prayers. in these times you will realize that your savior will pick up the pieces. hang in there! :)

Dan and Krystal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dan and Krystal said...

I know that we have never met before.. We have mutual friends on FB and a few years ago became friends (I thought all of your profile pics were adorable!) When I saw that you announced your pregnancy I was intrigued and started reading your blogs that you would post to FB. I just wanted to let you know how impressed I have been on how you have handled yourself. You have been so graceful and so dignified in the mist of a very public pregnancy and I have really enjoyed reading your blogs as you have opened up about your struggles and your trials. To be honest with you, this past 6 months has been my own kind of Sh** storm (I recently have had 2 miscarriages and my Daddy passed away last June from cancer) and while reading your posts I could relate to many of your feelings and questions. Thank you so much for sharing and letting people in. I am typically a private person, but your words have given me the strength to make my burden more public and I wrote about them on my blog and shared them to. Since then I have felt such an outpouring of love that I hadn't expected to feel. Thank you so much for giving me that courage and for being such the example that I needed during a difficult time.

I just wanted to share an excerpt of my Journal with you because I know you can understand how I feel:
Through this past year I have learned more and more that the Lord really does cater all of our trials to fit our needs... I know it may sounds sick and twisted when you think about all the pain that my family has had to endure this past year, but only a loving Heavenly Father could do so. He is so infinite and so eternal... he is so omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient.. that our trials, while sooo hard, exhausting, emotionally challenging, physically draining... somehow find a way to make us spiritually stronger. Sometimes we need to be broken down in order to be built up even stronger in the Lord. He knows our potential and what we need and want to become and so he has orchestrated the most perfect trial as a way to get us to our destination. Sometimes we face many little trials in a row, sometimes we are faced with gigantic trials. Despite the pain (physically, emotionally, or mentally) we can take comfort that God is at the helm. We can take comfort that IF we turn to him, he will make us better and we will come out the other side even stronger than the person who entered. Evidence of his love for us, despite the trials we face, our found in the simple and yet numerous tender mercies that we receive everyday.

I wish you and your baby all the best and hope you know that I have added you both to my prayers.

Krystal DeLucchi