I had an "aha" moment recently. In the depth of our trials we ask God why. Why this heart ache? It is human nature to seek an explanation for the seemingly endless pain. The trials that we all secretly endure and our hearts plead.... why? Why the loss of a child? Why the pain of physical ailments? Or physical limitations? Why the burdened heart that comes with providing for a family, and coming up short? Why this pain? I am often touched as I am reminded of the familiar hmyn, "Where can I turn for peace?"
Where can I turn for peace
Where is my solace
When other sources seem to make me whole
When with a wounded heart
Anger or malice I draw myself apart
Searching my soul
Where when my aching grows
Where in my need to know
Tell me where can I run
Where do I run
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish
Tell me who can understand
He only one only one only one
I have often found myself asking these questions in the pit of despair. I know all to well the "wounded heart" and "growing ache." I know all too well the pitiful scene of rock bottom. As I plead on my knees in the dark of my room or my bathroom floor. As tears flood my eyes and run down my arms and hands. Pleading with God to take the pain from me. I think of our loving Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane. I think of him in an unfathomable place of pain and anguish. I think of him, pleading to the father, "why hast thou forsaken me?" I too have felt forsaken at times. It can be difficult to believe in a God we can't see, only feel with our hearts. I've pondered deeply about his existence. Is he real? In the abyss of billions of people, does he really know me? Do we believe because we simply need to believe? Because the pain of him not being real would be too much to bear, and we would then realize this life has no purpose at all? But then I am reminded of the magnificence of his creations. I am reminded of the unexplained miracles. I am reminded of his mercy. And I know he is real.
The "aha moment" came to me this week. I often wonder why I have had so many heart wrenching trials in my life. My family is plagued with depression, and disease, and cancer, and addiction. Divorce, rehab, and jail time are words that fit into the family history. I think of the fact that I have had to endure two failed engagements. Two lay-offs. One painful demotion. And now an unplanned pregnancy. Why? I can't help but wonder what God wants me to learn. How do I break these vicious cycles. How do I overcome the powerful hold Satan sometimes has over me?
Here I stand though. January 14, 2013. And it all became so clear. My eyes welled with tears as I finally realized that these trials have led me to a beautiful place. If it weren't for all of these trials I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I wouldn't appreciate the light, not having endured the seemingly endless tunnel of dark. I am blessed to appreciate the simple joys of life. A piece of sea salt dark chocolate. My not perfect, but unconditionally loving family. My father who would die for me. My mother who despite my flawed soul, calls me her sunshine. This perfect baby that is a sheer miracle. My boring job that just happens to pay all of the bills.
And yes.... I have been engaged TWICE! Two engagements crumbled leaving me utterly heart broken. But if you were to ask me now, I know with every conviction of my soul that my Heavenly Father was preserving the perfect man for me to marry. And he was worth every ounce of pain I felt. He was worth the dark path it took to get to him.
I often refer to my life as a sh** storm. Not my classiest choice of words, but often fitting. But from where I sit on this chilly day in January. I wouldn't trade my sh** storm of a life for anything.